


ghost of you

by voidcine



Category: The Goldfinch (2019)
Genre: M/M, at least popchyk is still alive so yay!, boris loved theo until his last breath, bury your gays, emotionally repressed gay, everyone theo loves dies duh, except for his dad fuck him, pretty fucking sad, soft angst?? i guess??, theo reminisces about boris, tragic ass romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22280365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidcine/pseuds/voidcine
Summary: Theo tries to come to terms with the fact Boris loved him until his last breath and died without knowing his feelings were reciprocated.
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	ghost of you

**Author's Note:**

> tw // mentions of alcohol and drug abuse

_ “I don’t expect you to know what it feels like to be in love with the wrong person.” _

Oh, but he does.

Nothing compares to years of repressing your feelings only for it to end in tragedy. 

It’s not like he isn’t used to it. Tragedy is all Theo has ever known. His mother. His father. His best friend. Except this time it feels different.

Boris is the last person Theo expected to lose. But that’s not what makes this different. It’s the fact this hurts more than any loss he’s ever experienced, which is odd considering he only knew the guy for a short period of time and hadn’t seen him in ages.

It was an overdose, they said. Pretty fitting cause of death for a druggie.

It all happened so fast; receiving the call, hearing his name, finding out he was his emergency contact all these years.

Theo assumes Boris had done it so they’d have an excuse to see each other again, god knows he was never upfront about the romantic feelings he harbored, considering he ran away right after he kissed him that one fateful night.

Theo didn’t think it would’ve been the last time he saw Boris. And Boris probably didn’t expect to die before getting another chance with Theo.

But when does life ever go as planned?

All Theo knows is that he loved, well,  _ loves  _ Boris. Always will.

The time they spent together was the best experience of his life.

That being said, shame is a wasted emotion that cost him a lifetime with the boy he once knew. Who knows what would’ve happened had he not left or had Boris followed him like he said? Or had Theo just said the ‘I love you’ that was on the tip of his tongue?

Would knowing what their future held had even changed anything? Or at least that their feelings were reciprocated?

Part of Theo resents Boris for not keeping his promise, but holding a grudge against a dead man will do him no good. And wondering what could’ve been will cause him nothing but pain because the past can’t be undone.

All Theo can do now is move on with his life and the next time he finds someone to cherish, he won’t hesitate to tell them how he feels. Because if he’s learned anything it’s that not everything is better left unsaid, no matter the outcome.

But he highly doubts he’ll ever find someone he cared for as much as he cared about Boris. That feeling, that  _ love, _ isn’t something that just goes away with time, or ever for that matter.

Boris would’ve wanted him to move on and enjoy the rest of his life though. And that’s exactly what he plans on doing until they meet again.

No one knew about them so there was no one he could share his grief with. Xandra is long gone and Boris’ father is a big no.

Theo just had to sit with it and eventually, but surely, pour every last drop of alcohol he had down the sink and throw away his secret stash.

No use for them now. Just bad reminders.

Instead, he makes himself a proper meal and smiles to himself after feeding Popchyk, the last good thing he has left that makes him think of the snarky, tall, black haired, Russian boy.

Just because he’s moving on doesn’t mean he has to forget.

And so, Theo carries Boris with him wherever he goes.

_ You go, I’ll follow. _

Those words ring in Theo’s ears every night before he drifts off to sleep, and sometimes, he swears he can feel Boris’ lips on his all over again.

Part of him wishes he could go back, change how their story ends, in any way, even though he knows, thinking about it will only hurt.

But he does it anyway.

Because he also knows not thinking about him would hurt more.

**Author's Note:**

> for em only mwah you're welcome and i'm sorry for this.. happy poem day!!!


End file.
